What now?

I have gone back and re-read my last post several times. It makes me sad. When you are a little girl you dream of finding your perfect husband, having a big beautiful wedding, honeymooning in paradise, then eventually making sweet little children. No where in this dream world are there miscarriages or pain. John and I have been been together 10 years this month. Wow! That is a freaking long time! We were laying in bed talking last night and we were thinking back on some of the things we have been through. We have held each other through some very dark times.

John's mom moved out the week before we started dating. I have watched such joy come from that situation. His parents are both happy and his mom married a guy that is the best step-dad to John. He introduces John as his son to people. Mike is very proud of John and that makes me smile.

My mom moved out of my dad's house 6 months after we got married. We struggled through 2 years of separation and turmoil in our family. There were tears and pain, but then they bought a new house together last summer and have now been back together almost an entire year.

By fair the darkest place we have been in our marriage has been this past year. I am so blessed that through every tear John has been there. Many times he was the only reason I was standing, simply because he was holding me up. He has undoubtedly been my rock. When I told him last night I was thinking about giving up and maybe just look into other routes to have children he told me no. He has refused to let me give up! It is our dream to have at least one biological child. I know many people will say there are lots of children that need good homes. I couldn't agree more! I cannot wait to have many of these children become my children eventually. However, I yearn to look into the eyes of my child knowing that he/she is a part of me. I cannot wait to laugh at how goofy our child is just like their daddy. John will be a fantastic dad! I am merely cool by association to all of the kiddos in our life. When I go visit my sister my nephew always asks me if John is in the car!

So what's next? I got the burden today of calling and cancelling all of my OB appointments that had been scheduled for the next few months. That was hard. The poor lady on the other end kept asking me when I wanted to rescheduled and I finally had to tell her that I would not be rescheduling because I was no longer pregnant. I hate having to tell people. They just feel so miserable and I feel miserable for them!

Our next plan of action is to schedule an appointment with our high risk doctor. I have seen her once before, but now she will be our permanent doctor. I am happy about that, because she is amazing! We will go to her in September and begin the testing process all over again. In the last round of testing I gave over 50 vials of blood within a week. So that really doesn't bother me anymore. Hopefully we will be able to try again within 3-6 months. Let me be the first to tell you, I am already nervous for the next pregnancy! I really don't mind other people sticking me with needles, but I have a feeling that daily shots of hormones are in my future. John informed me last night that if he has to give me the shots everyday, then he is going to sneak attack them. He is looking forward to poking me with needles when I least expect it. Did I mention he is one sick individual?!?

We have also decided to go ahead and finish decorating our nursery. That may sound strange to you, but eventually there will be a baby in that crib believe you me! I have had my nursery decorations picked out since the first pregnancy and by George I am going to move on with my plans! At least I won't have to rely on John to paint when I am pregnant! We all know how my bathroom turned out!

Well... I just realized that I wrote a novel.... so if you are still reading I'm sorry! It is just nice to get your thoughts out on paper...um.... I mean on the computer. So again... thanks for listening.... if you are still listening.... OK bye!